Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
