Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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