we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
