Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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