and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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