There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
MIDGETS
????
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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