overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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