There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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