I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
