i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
