I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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