Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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