well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude i'm inner monologue high
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
