coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
