just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
