Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
