I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
