so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
