I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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