and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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