if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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