Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
