Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
