just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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