Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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