she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
