We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
