Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
