Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky đ
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing âthis is going right up my assâ. LOUDLY
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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