I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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