While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
