This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
