I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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