I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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