I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize