Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
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My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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