My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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