i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
