Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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