but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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