Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
