Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I need to sanitize my soul.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
