My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
