No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
