I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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