I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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