sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
