Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
