im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
