His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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