It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
