this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
