So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
