So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
