look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
