guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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