I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
